Memories that will help me conjure a Patronus

While rereading The Prisoner of Azkaban, I was a bit worried that I couldn't conjure a Patronus myself, because, of course, I'm a witch.

So I was happy to know that there are memories:

1. The time I learned to ride a bike.
2. The time I finally found a copy of "The Book Thief"
3. The time I found out I was allowed to borrow a book from the library (that was in Grade 2). Nerd, all the way.
4. When I was at the pre-board exam mass, and my major major crush sat in front of me, and at the "Sign of Peace" part, he turned to me and said "peace". :D
5. The time I saw my major major crush 2 months later at SM City Davao. I wished to see him then, and my wish came true. (Mababaw ang kaligayahan ko)
6. When we were singing karaoke on the sala of the Dormitel. The Dormitel days would be one of my happiest.
7. When I found out my friends passed the board exam as well.

Reading, Writing, and a Love Letter

Reading: Is there anything that that quote left unsaid? This is why I love reading.

Writing: All writers read. How amazing it would be if I could write something that would make my reader feel the things it described. It would be the ultimate satisfaction.

A Love Letter: Because of the aforementioned, the book I'm currently reading crossed my mind. The love letter below, I feel, is one I could have written myself. Or anyone, really. Who doesn't fall in love that way? The writer took the words from my mind. To find a writer like that is kismet. But destiny has a funny way of going about its business. I would never have bought that book if Fully Booked didn't hold a sale. I almost didn't buy it because of its title. And because it cost 50 pesos. But I said, what the heck. It's only 50 pesos, you miser. And I NEEDED to read a book. 

This love letter. This is me, in love.

Dear Goat,

How does one fall in love? Do you trip? Do you stumble, lose your balance and drop to the sidewalk, graze your knee, graze your heart? Do you crash to the stony ground? Is there a precipice, from which you float, over the edge, forever?

I know I’m in love when I see, I know when I long to see you. Not a muscle has moved. Leaves hang unruffled by any breeze. The air is still. I have fallen in love without taking a step. When did this happen? I haven’t even blinked.

I’m on fire. Is that too banal for you? It’s not, you know. You’ll see. It’s what happens. It’s what matters. I’m on fire.

I no longer eat. I forget to eat. Food looks silly to me, irrelevant. If I even notice it. But I notice nothing. My thoughts are full and raging, a house full of brothers, related by blood, feuding blood feuds: I’m in love ——Typically stupid choice —— I am, though, I’m racked by love as if love were pain —— Go ahead. Fuck up your life. It’s all wrong and you know it. Wake up. Face it. —— There’s only one face, it’s all I see, awake or asleep.

I threw the book out the window last night. I tried to forget. You are all wrong for me, I know, but I no longer care for my thoughts unless they’re thoughts of you. When I’m close to you, I feel you hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from you, sometimes. Then I look back.

When I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I drive my car, when I lie each night without you, I remain,

As ever,

Ram

— The Love Letter, by Cathleen Schine.

Just Please Children

I was jogging earlier on our city's track oval. The weather was just nice and I was alone, thanks to my friend for ditching me. But that was fine, as it was a little bit early in the afternoon to have that many joggers around, so at least I didn't bump into unnecessary persons.

You know how children randomly call out to strangers to get their attention. Well these two kids, whose classes had just ended, climbed on the wall of our track and called out to me. It was this boy trying to attract attention, like all boys do, and he seemed bemused when I waved at him. He waved at me back. A few seconds later, more kids climbed onto the wall, calling out to me. The boy said "I love you" the way kids want to shock people, and I gave him the thumbs up. The kids hooted up with laughter. They called to me again, shouting "Wave at me too!" and as I turned my head, there they were, waving at me. So I obliged them of course, which received another hoot of laughter.

Feeling famous much? haha. But seriously, I wanted to shock them as much as they wanted to shock me. What's the harm in waving at a kid? At least they got a few minutes entertainment from it, as did I. Kids' laughter GMH.

My cousin's dead, and here we are, not dead.

Here we are, confronted again of the limitations of existence. Morbidly I think -- when I found out about his death -- that one day, some person will tell some person of MY death.

What is there to grieve of a person you barely know? Let's face it, when you hear of the death of a person you know, may it be an acquaintance or a relative, you don't really grieve for them, but for yourself. Or am I only speaking for myself?

Truthfully, when I was awakened last night because of what happened (my Mom and Dad were frantically trying to get out of the door and towards the funeral home), I felt just this acceptance that he's gone. I accepted that just recently, I was being invited to his wedding, and now I have to attend his funeral so soon.

And then I have to think of the people he left behind. His mother, who's outlived a husband and now a son, his siblings, and his wife. Why, if I were the wife, I would be so mad at him for driving drunk without even thinking of his family, let alone himself.

What a sad thing, to have your life snatched from you so suddenly, without even a warning.  People say that he fell asleep on the wheel, he was so drunk. He drove head on towards a truck. I imagine him waking up to blaring lights, half-aware that that was the last thing he was going to see. Why do things like that have to happen? It's so morbid.

Most people I know would like to die while they're asleep. I want to face Death head on, awake. No accidents, no stray bullets. I feel I would be cheated out of my life, if I were to die like that.
It's such a pity my cousin didn't have the chance to choose.

The Book Thief and Bookstores

“Sometimes you read a book so special that you want to carry it around with you for months after you’ve finished just to stay near it.”

—	THE BOOK THIEF, MARKUS ZUSAK.

That's what I felt with The Book Thief. 

I Am happy to finally be owning a copy of Markus Zusak's The Book Thief . I was surprised to find out that it belonged to the Young Adult Section. I mean, I always thought it was a novel, written in a different but beautiful way. I don't think it should be confined to YA. But, as I found out, Zusak is a YA writeer and I want to read more of his works!

I read The Book Thief last year, but this was first published 2006, and it was available in our bookstores only recently. It should've been available when it was first published. The problem is, bookstores here are never ahead of the market. They sell what has been tested and proven to be bestsellers. So too bad, other Zusak novels, you won't be available here until Markus Zusak has a book-turned-into-movie. :'(

Let me paint you a picture: The books on the bestsellers shelf, the one you immediately see when you enter the bookstore, are those books that have been turned to a movie, or have been endorsed by a very popular local celebrity, or is a vampire series. For example, Twilight is on the shelf, as well as The Percy Jackson series, and the Blue Blood series, and Nicholas Sparks novels, and Paulo Coehlo. Mostly nowadays I just see VAMPIRE SERIES, which make me sick. When will this obsession with vampires end? Really.

So the really good books are either unavailable or have very few copies of them left. Which is understandable because books are luxuries here.

I can't wait to finally be able to afford as many books as I want, and to live in a place where bookstores sell almost every book imaginable.

Those days when you conjure up a person

Did you ever think of someone so much, wishing to see them, that they actually appear in front of you? No, I'm not talking about hallucinations. I might have put it wrong.

I mean, the person turns up. Just when you were thinking of them. Well, yesterday, that happened to me.

Since I'm going up to Davao to play nanny to my nephew, I was fantasizing about how I'll meet my crush again. Let's call him Jacob. I just wanted to see him. The night before, I dreamt I was talking about Jacob to  my friends and that I thought I saw him, but it turned out not to be him.

While we were driving, I again imagined myself seeing him. He's just so cute you see and I'm so infatuated. Lo and behold, I did see him. But what's funnier, was how I realized it was him. This may sound so dramatic, but it's how it happened: As I entered the SM supermarket, I was looking for my mom. Then my eye caught a figure of a guy clothed in a blue V-neck and shorts. I couldn't see his face from afar, but even from there he looked really attractive. I thought, wouldn't it be amazing if that actually turned out to be Jacob? But he ws too far, and I needed to find my mom. I eventually did, and then I saw the blue-clad guy again. I wanted to see his face , was he gay? was he ugly? was he one of those vain types? But as I got nearer, it turned out it was Jacob! I couldn't believe my luck! And also, my bad luck, because he was with his girlfriend, Alice, which ruined pretty much half the experience for me. So there I was, ogling at Jacob's grace, happy with his girlfriend, who were both oblivious to me. I felt so shabby then. They were both so hipster,  with skin to die for, and I was shabby. 

But the point is, what if we had gone to Gaisano like I requested? What if I didn't accompany Mom in the supermarket? I wouldn't have seen him again. I just can't believe that after all my thinking, he would actually turn up. God must've wanted to tell me something. And I feel strongly that the message was: GET OVER HIM ALREADY. You've seen him, happy with his girlfriend, now get over it.

And I really will have to.

To love Him

It makes me sad to read about these people who don't believe in God. They are good people who don't believe in Him. I don't know, I just feel like they're missing something really big in their lives. I mean to me, there's no question about going back to the days when I didn't acknowledge him and believe in Him. My life is not the same as before. I've become more aware of the beauty in life, of the hope in living, and maintaining integrity. For me, it's really different once you've accepted him in your life.

So to see these people who lead good lives but do not accept Him, makes me sad. Just like the image says, Seek Him, and you will find more than you ever dreamed possible. I for one, think it's true. I'm not an enthusiastic church-goer. If you lived with my family...we don't attend religious organizations, we rarely go to mass, we don't pray the rosary, at least not anymore. Just worshipping him is enough. Besides, I find Catholicism to be too political and not very spiritual.  I hate that, so I don't support it. However, listening to his words is comforting and makes mass, when I do attend, at least bearable.

It takes a person who has sought Him and accepted Him to understand what it feels like to love God. I wish people would seek him more and live by him.

The Paradox

by Anonymous


The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller  buildings but shorter tempers, wider  Freeways, but  narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but  enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more  conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more  knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more  medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too  much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too  fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too  little, watch TV too much, and pray too  seldom.

We  have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too  much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to  make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to  years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble  crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but  not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned  up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our  prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish  less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to  hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we  communicate less and less.

These are the  times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character,  steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two  incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are  days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night  stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to  quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window  and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this  letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this  insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember;  spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be  around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up  to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave  your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,  because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it  doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your  partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an  embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of  you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday  that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time  to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your  mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the  number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath  away.

The lover of books

A bug, rather, a very small insect, lands on the 84th  page of the book I'm reading. It's black, and its three eyes, if they ARE eyes, look like black furballs. When I try to blow it away, it resists, choosing to stay on that page. I don't want to squish it on purpose. Maybe it likes to read too. Maybe it's savoring the smell of the paper, like I do, especially the brand new ones.

I see these bugs all the time, squashed between a book, dead. A bookbug. I wonder if it loves books so much, that to it, to die within a book, its last sight those of words, is a glorious way to die.

The Mean Reds

In Breakfast at Tiffany's, Holly describes the mean reds. It's feeling afraid all of a sudden and you don't know what you're afraid of. Paul said it's "angst".

I don't know if what I feel is angst. Isn't that something teenagers feel often? That's why they call it teen angst? I haven't been a teenager for two years, but I still feel like I'm twelve or something.

Suddenly I'm sad. After being cooped up in the house for two months, I feel like I don't know my friends anymore. I rarely hear from them and you know how I can't be bothered to load my cp. Who would tell me news anyway? I'm hardly the person you go to for gossip. Nobody's telling me anything, and I have a funny feeling they're actually keeping something from me. And maybe that's what's making me so anxious about. The fact that my friends can't even tell me what they need to tell me just makes me sad.

Feelings like these make me want to run away. I need to get out of here. I need something new.

Of science and faith.

This post has like 5000 notes. which means there are more or less 5k people who agree with this -- I'm tempted to say b.s. but it's the belief of others. A belief, I believe is founded on the same ground as the Tower of Pisa - weak.

This is what I wrote when I reblogged this picture.

hmm. I disagree. If anything, science should make someone believe in a God more.

if that person was talking about Evolution vs Adam and Eve, then of course, I would not believe in Adam&Eve. Christians recognize this as a myth. Evolution is more believable, but in the end, it's just a theory. Much like how Big Bang is a theory as well as the Theory of Relativity, or the Law of Physics. If he had paid attention in science class more, then he would have realized that theories are not fact. Because they too can either be proved or disproved. They are just considered to be true. Much like how God is considered to be true. Scientists don't dwell on the provenance of those theories. They are just "given". We have to believe that it's true, or how else are we to understand how an apple doesn't stay afloat on air, but lands on the ground when the branch it was hanging on gave way? science, in the end, rests on faith.

do you think the complexity of living things is a big coincidence? we have plants that use the Carbon dioxide that we don't need so that in turn they can give us Oxygen that we do need. a woman has an ovary which fuses with the man's sperm so that it would grow into this amazing thing called a baby. And no matter what you do, you can't make a baby from a human and a cow. chimeras are fables (and have you seen them in Fullmetal Alchemist? they're not meant to be). science may explain HOW a fetus develops, but it can't explain WHY it works that way. It just does.

So it brings us to the question, what makes life possible? There has to be something more powerful and higher than all of us who designed everything so perfectly. Maybe the Big Bang was just really God in motion.

I don't know if people will actually read this or what they think after reading it. It's just a thing that I strongly believe about. Did I tell you that I was an 11-year old atheist? I'm reformed now. It's been 10 years since then, and I picked up a lot of things on the way. I guess if I had not questioned God, then I would not have arrived at this point. But here I am, and I think that God would have let me arrive here no matter what. 

Can you honestly look at a baby and not wonder at how amazing it was made? Lots of atheists believe in the nonexistence of God because all they see is how shitty the world is. Yes, people are shitty, but take away the people, and it's wonderful. I still don't get why people refuse to believe in a God because of all the bad things people can do. Or how a flash flood can happen, or because there are earthquakes. 

I don't know, but if I dwell over it more, it makes sense. Because there's a certain balance to everything. (And who keeps that balance? Mother Nature / God/ higher power). Good things happen, and so do bad things. Karma? Or whatever. 

When I was an atheist, I refused to look at the other side of things. All I saw were the bad things, and I cared more about disproving lots of things. I hated the Church and its hypocrisies. I was a pessimist, and it's so not good being there. I'm stilll struggling with pessimism, because I think that's my true nature.  The beauty of life is, you can choose how your life can turn out to be. I can go against my nature and be an optimist. 


Did I just choose to believe in God? No. It's founded by rational thinking. And faith. And I'm really comfortable with that. :)

Blogger, I'm so sorry for neglecting you

But there's this other micro-blogging site called Tumblr that's so amazing. I know I've made a big anti-Tumblr-camaraderie rule by saying this, but what the hell. Blogger deserves honesty.

I even used the same url there and the same background, in tribute to you, and because I like them both so much.

Also I have my personal Journal who I confide to more than I do to you, but I'm sure you understand. Some of them just aren't ready for the public eye.

I still do want to write on you, that's why I'll write almost all the things that have happened in Tumblr that struck me, and made me so passionate to rant and impose my beliefs. haha. But then impose is a strong word..I just, put it out there.

I have also quite neglected Facebook, except to play games there. haha. I don;t really want to hear about other people's lives, except my family's and close friends. I like my own little world.

So Blogger, please accept my apology.

Look Up. Or, Don't Walk With Your Head Down.

Did you notice the weather today? It's the stuff of mundane small talk, yet it's amazing how the weather affects your mood. This morning, the weather was just right, my kind of day, but then after taking a nap, I find that the clouds had covered the sun and suddenly it was raining. But I'm not really talking about the weather. I just thought it was a good prelude to the next paragraph, but then maybe it's not. 


I love sunny days. When the sun is shining, the wind is just enough to ruffle my hair, and, as I look up, there's a bid wide blue sky. It makes me feel like I can have everything. 

Always look up. There's not much you can see when you look down. It makes you believe there's nothing much for you. But when you look up, you see that the world is bigger, instead of narrow when you were bowing your head. 

Stretch out your arms. It feels like hugging the world. If it's true that every cynic was a disillusioned idealist, I think they just forgot to look up.

Marbel at night.

We rarely use the overpass because of its reputation of being stinky most of the time. Some people just don't have manners and piss on the bridge! Good thing they cleaned it now. The view from the overpass is...different.

Here are some photos I took. Thanks to my brother for telling me that you get the "highway effect" (the one where the car lights kind of merge together to create a busy highway effect) with the Twilight setting on the digicam. However, the streets of Marbel aren't really that busy to begin with, so this is all I got.

More photographs of my hometown here:
http://simplyceecee.multiply.com/photos/album/6/Hometown_Glory

Bonfire photography.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love my dog. Here she is, taken on a summer evening, during the brown out days. Sometimes, my dog can be so photogenic.

And here we are, enjoying the bonfire. :)

Frisbee and my hamstrings.

It's a struggle just to get up and go to SMRAA. The thought of doing that much activity is unappealing. But then I don't regret it after stepping on that rubberized track and doing just even one lap is rewarding. It's nice to exercise. Yun nga lang, mahirap talaga bumangon at pumunta sa track.

Today, me, Remy, Jacque and Melvonn joined the "Air Benders". Who were we to refuse the invitation to learn about how Ultimate Frisbee is really played? Who wouldv'e thought it'd be so...hard. I love the name by the way. I'm an Avatar:The Last Airbender fan.

Things I learned today (which I hope will help):

1. A real ultimate ftisbee costs 700 pesos and weighs a lot more than our 100-peso frisbee. No wonder, since it's more appropriate for throwing. Still, for recreation, a cheaper one is enough.
2. I learned the backhand throw and forehand throw.
3. Basic drills.
4. The game. A team needs to get their frisbee on the other side. Like football.
5. If you drop the frisbee, the other team gets it.
6. Once you catch the frisbee, you can't take more than three steps. Else, that will be travelling. (I travelled two times today.hehe. Got carried away after catching a frisbee)
7. An opponent will try to block you(like in basketball!), and will count and wait for six seconds until you pass the frisbee to yout team mate. Otherwise, the other team gets th frisbee.
8. Your opponent needs to tap your frisbee after you catch it. hmmm.. i don't know when or why....
9. The frisbee has to be held by a player at the goal to count as a score. (like in football)

Sorry for sounding like an amateur. I AM one. 

That was fun, but,God, my hamstrings hurt.

image from nataliedee.com

buko halo-halo,review centers and friends.

It's just nice to get out and not worry about anything. (but then I ended up worrying anyway).
There's this famous place in Brgy Saravia that serves buko halo-halo. Aparejas buko halo-halo.
The assortment of vehicles - luxury cars, vans, trucks, multicabs -seem out of place and strange lining up in the quiet road-side of Barangay Saravia. But people come there just to eat the buko halo-halo. And why not? It's cheap and delicious. And in the strange way of Philippine entrepreneurship, the neighbors have followed suit. There are about four(?) buko halo-halo places now all within 5 meters of each other.
But nothing seems to compare with the original.

Image from [link]. (It's close to what we have eaten)

It was fun and laidback. The prospect of hitchhiking from Saravia to the main city was exciting, but we chickened out. 

Along the way we saw clouds pouring rain on Mt.Matutum. It was the first time I've seen rain coming roght out of the clouds. It looks like an army of cloud people are pouring large bottomless buckets of water along the clouds. 

We had planned on playing frisbee on the park but it rained. Apparently nobody wanted to get wet even though most frisbee players played rain or shine. We settled for KCC and couldn't resist the lure of Booksale.

We had also worried about which review center we would enroll to. It IS mind boggling. Plus there's the worry of studying with your classmates. Would it be a temptation? Though it's hard to imagine anyone not being serious about the board exams.

God, I'm really indecisive. Sometimes I want others to decide for me and I'll just let it be. Ironic how at some points in time I'm the one they look to for a decision. It's easier to decide for one's self because one could live with the consequences. But if that decision affects a lot of people, it's not so easy to decide. It's not easy to take the blame, that's why I admire leaders who makes good decisions that don't have to take the blame, but receive praise.

I remembered a depressing part of my life. It would never leave for a long time. But when I see the friends I have, and the good things that I have, who am I to continue spreading negative vibes? Good and bad are a given in anyone's life and I'm happy to be reminded that my life doesn't entirely suck.

Image by Propaganda-panda @deviantart

25 things about me.

1. One of the happiest moments of my life was in Grade 3, when I learned that we were allowed to borrow books from the library.(1st graders and 2nd graders weren't allowed).And the first book I borrowed was Bobbsey Twins. *bookworm spazzing*

2. I love collecting notebooks. Notebooks with cute stationary, with a cute cover, with cute paper. I've been seeing a lot of these lately, and I'm frustrated that I can't afford them!


3. All my passwords in different websites are the same. It's also my motto. *Hint: It's a song title. ;)

4. I got to say that I really loved God from the bottom of my heart when I was 18. Truth to tell, I was waiting for the time when I can say that, and it came.

5. I want to learn pottery. And no, it's not because of Yi Jung from Boys Over Flowers.

6. I'm thinking of opening a dress shop one day here in Marbel, so that people here can dress better have chic gowns. My brand will be "Happy Caprice". hohohoh.

7. It doesn't matter if I'm poor there. I just want to live in Italy!

8. If I could live in an anime world, I'd want to live in Nodame Cantabile's world. As a pianist.

9. I think I only just fleeted through my 18 years. But by 2008, I had goals in mind, and that's when I felt I started to live.

10. Just because I'm quiet, doesn't mean I have nothing to say.

11. With point 10 in mind, I still prefer writing, and that's when I can be heard.

12. My alltime favorite American Idol is David Cook. Kris Allen is a distant distant second. ;p

13. I love taking blogthings.com quizzes.

14. I used to think that I hate cooking. But when i saw people enjoying what I cooked, I started to regret I didn't take HRM in the first place.

15. BTW, the only things I know how to cook are spaghetti and leche flan. My methods of cooking are confined to reheating canned goods, frying and barbecuing. heheh.

16. Aside from time travel, a superpower that I would really like to have, is the power of persuasion (Like the girl in Heroes season 1). Whatever I say, people have to do. mwahahaaha!

17. I think carefully on what I'm going to say. It's a habit that's hard to break.

18. I'm afraid of spiders. Especially the big hairy ones that pop up out of nowhere. Spiders cannot EVER touch me.

19. I'm very openminded. My beliefs and opinions are influenced by many ideas.

20. Oftentimes I thikn up likely situations where I imagine how it's going to play out and the clever things I would say, but probably won't.

21. I don't have a bank account.

22. When my attention tunes out, I doddle on the corner of my notebook/ textbook. I can't help it.

23. Even if my dog didn't take a bath, I still hug her like a living stuffed toy.

24. I don't like getting angry in public. But I do get angry. I even have an ugly angry face. Ask my brother. ;p

25. I prefer taking public vehicles to riding our car.